hello from the other side
did I successfully wrap up my Saturn return?
hi there,
I arrived at what feels like the other side- a patiently executed procedure of figuring things out. It might have been my most patient process of all times, if I may so myself. There are a couple newsletters leading up to what I am writing about now- I will link them at the end of this one or maybe actually here’s the better place for it.
I am having a talk on August 4th at open space berlin about breaking up with work and the complexity of decision making. If you are in town and want to listen to my voice and how I try to make sense of all of this please rsvp here.
Ever since I said out loud over dinner, that I do not want to work on my brand any longer, change jobs, do something else, feed my brain- I felt something shifting. The courage I had build over several months in order to verbalize what my mind had already understood to be the truth. I wasn’t happy for a long time, mostly work related. The problem is when you are your job and your job is so much of yourself, theres no line to draw. I tried it many times- an imaginary line that separates my persona and my work. I could barely ever even feel it, blurry and easily overstepped. I had created this little universe carefully intertwined with my real life- a beautiful process of creative development, five years of building Pauluschkaa with no one to run it but me. Quitting would mean stripping off my work identity and pressing pause on something that I had build from scratch.
It took me many months of navigating myself through weeks and weeks of nowhere to be found creativity and growing dissatisfaction with basically everything I touched.
Let me touch this turned into creative therapy. I tried to lure back in my creativity in every way imaginable, trust me. The more things I touched the more unhappy I seemed to get. I touched a dozen things before I realized that the only way was sitting through it.
I took a seat and started to observe instead of creating confusion through distraction.
It is so tempting though. Licking an ice cold popsicle and your tongue painfully getting stuck at the temptation of a sugary delight. It is 36 degrees today and I am melting away, someone get me a popsicle please.
Anyways, after touching on the past a little bit, to make it make sense- I am actually in a very happy place. It feels like I arrived on the other side. When I learned about the Saturn return just right when I was in the middle of it myself, it was around this time last year. Peak summer, sweaty palms, uninspired. I just realized the other day that with how I am feeling now I must’ve exited my Saturn return.
Saturn return- a very short story
there wasn’t an invitation. she was not invited to anything. stirring up what needed to be stirred up in order to actually be enjoyed. slow cooking a vision- she is practicing patience. there is gold at the end of a rainbow. she suspects something to wait for her at the end of patience. why does something she is good at doesn’t make her happy? the contradiction of it, isn’t easy to digest. make it make sense. pushing her patience to places in stillness. the craving to put a single label on a set of skills controlled her being and behavior for quite some time. limiting the beauty that exists in many. she is being one but many. Saturn returned in the form of an uncomfortably truth telling. she who does not allow all parts of her being to be nurtured won't achieve happiness. open eyes, presenting her with what many could be turned into. the ability to listen to oneself is very different to the act of listening to others. translating feelings into words and speaking them. she is at peace now, for she understood that theres space. creating a place to host many, appreciating the beauty of emerging in all of them.
Stretching thoughts and myself over a years time span allowed me to figure out what I want to do with all the skills that I have. I highly recommend breaking up with something in order to actually have the space to figure out a new vision. Letting go with nowhere to go is scary but led me to a place with the potential to provide new growth. I am officially returning to university as a full time student in autumn. I will write a separate text on all the details and I will also talk about it next week Tuesday if you are in Berlin and want to learn more.
I will write to you soon. I promise!